Fiona decided to play from 9pm to midnight the other night.
I had my breakdown around that time as well.
So Kevin and I regrouped. He's going to be helping me with some nighttime parenting right now. Because I am at the End Of My Road. Losing it. No reserves and a total inability to cope after a brief setback. I really notice it at work, as I'm getting a little crankier and less patient with my darling coworkers (sorry about this last weekend guys).
I think about these times as I read articles and comments about how to get your cup refilled. Have a cup of tea! Talk a walk around the block! Sorry, but after a while it just doesn't cut it. And it's not working for me anymore. These mini-breaks help me to just cope, but they aren't filling my reserves enough so I can cope when Fiona wants to play at 10:30pm, just as I'm turning out the lights to go to sleep.
I cried downstairs for fifteen minutes while Fiona complained in the swing. Then I left her there to get Kevin because I didn't trust myself to pick her up again.
I'm thinking about this as I'm deciding whether to help with Sunday School this next year. I was called by the coordinator and asked to help. "Your name was mentioned multiple times," she said. "We'd love to have you." How flattering! You'd be lost without me! (Isn't that how we all think when somebody needs us?) I told her I'd like to hear more. But considering how maxed out I feel now, how there are areas of my life neglected now, and how I'm already missing out on church activities due to schedule and kids (singing), I'm thinking that this would be a better bet next year. I hate saying no. I hate disappointing people. But I think this would be a better fit for me next year. It feels like the right choice, but I still feel like a jerk for saying no.
I guess I've decided after all. For now, I choose myself.
2 comments:
Good decision. When you feel at the end of your rope, listen to yourself and don't add another major commitment. Sometimes no is the best answer even if you feel "like a jerk." I remember nights when John and I traded off every twenty minutes...but, honestly, it seems long ago. Love you! AJ
YOU are absolutely NOT a jerk for saying no, Jenny! Part of being in a church community is giving and being given what you need to refresh yourself, spiritually and otherwise. If giving yourself at this point makes it impossible to receive the things you need from church---the family time, the spiritual refill of music and prayers, and most importantly the time with friends and fellow congregants who can witness your crazy life and offer sympathy, humor, prayer, and anything else---well, ti sounds like you made the absolute right decision for your family right now.
Good luck these coming days! I'm sending prayers for you and cozy, sleepy thoughts for Fiona.
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