Today felt like being trapped in a well.
Stuck treading water just to stay afloat with no progress made. No sign of support. Alone and dreading the unknown, wondering just how in the hell I'm going to get through this.
It has occured to me that I'm not doing nearly as well as I had hoped. That my journey is going to get much darker before the end.
I feel like this journey is taking over my life. Happiness is more about distracting myself from the emotions that remain all too close to the surface.
Anger
Bitterness
Fear
Grief
Lonliness
Jealous
Guilt
Shame
And while working with pregnant women isn't the easiest thing to do at this time, the bigger challenge is my friends, both at work and home. Many coworkers are pregnant, most have children, some are celebrating the arrival of grandchildren. The nurses desks, the break room, the locker room are filled with conversations, baby gifts, and notices for showers. The majority of my close friends have children, some are pregnant as well. There is a great sense of shame involved when, on one hand you are so very happy for your friends' good fortune. Yet the jealousy and anger can be so very overwhelming. We are sincerely joyful for you, only so very heartbroken for ourselves. Unless you have walked this path, you have no idea how intense, complicated, and enveloping it is.
So, my friends, if you do not have a baby chances are I will want to have coffee (decaf please) with you sometime in the very near future.
From about 10am-3pm I cried today. It was a bad day.
(please send presents to my home address. thank you.)
5 comments:
Sweatheart,
I beg forgiveness for not calling you today to check in with you. I know this is terribly hard for you, more so than I can ever imagine. I also wished you called me so I could have cried with you.
Please come to playdate tomorrow - I baked chocolate chip cookies and if needed I will bake you choclate cake and unscrew a serene bottle of Gewertzatraimer for you. There's even icecream and fresh picked blackberries. And my little blondie adores you and she would love nothing more than to have a little baby to dote on as well.
When the day comes (there's really no postive way to write about the future that will make you happy, but the day will come) you know my husband will be beat all future grandmas to your door to unload baby stuff.
You are the best friend a girl can have and I love you!
For whatever small amount it's worth, here's an electronic Steve-hug - for each of you - to tide you over until you can get the real thing. :~|
I can't claim any direct knowledge of what you're going through, but please know that if you ever need some extra strength, a caring ear, or someone without kids to go cavorting off with for a while, I'm never more than a call away.
Love to you and Kevin.
I am so sorry that you are in such pain. I wish I could take the sadness away for you. Life is definately not fair at times. I love you lots.
I love you and I'm here for you. We are sharing a loss so huge, it's indescribable (and at other times there are plenty of phrases to describe how we're feeling). Let's find a time where we can do wine and cheese - I think that's more our style these days. :) Lots of love and thoughts your way my dear. I love you so much.
I am sad that you are sad - I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better but it isn't that easy. Just know that a lot of people love you. You and Kevin are a blessing. I miss you.
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