First of all, pictures for the grandparents.
Kevin and I have been talking about the holidays. Holidays can be a touchy subject for kids of divorce (Mom, stop it...no getting all paranoid on me here). Even with a "good"divorce, there is no getting around the holiday shuttle. Whose turn is it for what holiday and how are we going to get back and forth? And most kids (at least I did) have incredible guilt if one parent is alone on a major holiday. I realize now they might have liked that alone time an awful lot :) But for a kid, being alone on Christmas sounds like the fifth circle of hell. And a part of you says, it's your fault that Mom/Dad is alone.
So I'm already a bit touchy about it. While some adults might take these experiences and become major people-pleasers, I've taken a different road. I'm totally selfish about doing what I want/when I want.
This attitude works quite well in a marriage.
So now I'm married. So is my brother. So is Kevin's sister. The youngest isn't married, but he has a girlfriend and doesn't want to waste too much time hanging with the fam. Add a whole new set of people with their schedules, needs, and emotional baggage into the mix. We have a wide definition of family between the Chase/Myers. Sister-in-law's ex-husband, Stepmom from Dad's second marriage, Mom's live-in partner, other Mom's new girlfriend. Complicated, even when we all are behaving and playing nice with others.
Occasionally, that happens.
Did I mention that we all have jobs, many with non-traditional schedules and holiday hours?
Throw a couple grandkids into the mix, and the emotions spike even higher. One grandkid is old enough to really enjoy the holidays and be aware of who is present and who isn't. The other is having his year of "firsts." He's fine with it all, but the adults have their own views about its importance. These views aren't always coinciding.
Drama Drama Drama.
So what do we do?
Kevin and I are talking, lots of talking. Figuring out what WE want out of the holidays, as a married couple and the head of our own household. What traditions do we want for our kids? How can we share our kids with the extended family without taking away for our own needs? Can we do this without any temper-tantrums?
Any tips, parental friends of mine?
5 comments:
Ok, I am not a parent, but every family has their own drama and it's difficult no matter what, especially around the holidays. Once you and Kevin make your decision, stick to it, no matter what. If they see you waver, they'll jump right in with the emotion all over again. Wherever you and Kevin are, the meaning of the holidays will be extra special this year with Patrick at your side.
Thank you for the advice on my sleep situation. I don't drink caffeine though, hardly drink wine anymore, and I don't take anything for my allergies at the moment. I think it might be lack of fresh air. It's hard to find in L.A. :) Maybe a walk during lunch is just what I need to get the juices flowing.
Pick you one unconditional day during Christmas holiday that it is just the three of YOU and celebrate your Christmas the way you want it.
No one can interrupt, arrive early for a later celebration/dinner with an invited part of the family.
You are going to have to spread it out over days, it's not that you don't want to see other family members, but your own core family comes first.
Perhaps start a new tradition with niece, like attending Christmas service together or meet for an afternoon tea where Santa has left some presents.
This is your chance to set your rules because of Patrick is brand new to the holiday circuit, stick to your guns and I hope you can avoid the temper tantrums.
Good luck!
Love the pictures. Not sure who looks cuter though, you or Patrick. I love the Red Vest and Hat combo!
Good luck sorting out the holiday schedule. It's amazing how much more complicated holidays get as you get older. With both of our families living in different states Don and I have tried our best to stick to an every other year rotation but even that gets messed up.
I don't have an overall solution but I do have a helpful tip. Last year we went to Boise for Christmas to see Don's family but we brought our laptop and webcam too so that we could also share the holiday remotely with my family in Oregon too. Of course it is not the same thing as being there in person but it was still an exciting way to use technology to our advantage and all be together and I did get to watch my adorable niece open her Christmas presents. It was actually far more special than I would have expected.
Sounds like what last year was like for us being that Chenoah's two sets of parents and my parents all wanted a share.
We came to the simple realization that if people want to see the baby they can see them where we are. We try to be fair and rotate major holidays but stuff comes us (ie not having seen my brother for 3 years because of war)and we decided we were flying to NJ since he was home for a month. We also invited everyone else out too. We have also begun to preach that it is easier for them to come to us then for us to go to them. That way we can see everyone at once *little note here* works great when on one side you ahve the only grandchild not so great in your situation but workable to an extent) You can only do so much and trapsing the kiddo all along I-5 and back for a whirlwind 3 day tour aint that great. It wasn't that great before he came around and I certainly didn't want to try it after.
Long story short we rotate and invite. We ask the one set of parents where we plan on being for that holdiday if its alright if we invite the other set to join us. (No one dares to say no) The invite is available and all are welcome to join in the holiday with us. If they are unable thats ok too. But they were invited and we'll video and take lots of pitures for them if they can't make it( we would take lots of video and pictures anyway but it sounds nice).
All in all it has worked out great for us for our year of firsts. No one has seemed to be upset they were all pleased to be invited some made the trip others have waited their turn and spent time with their other children/family.
It only gets more difficult and like you noted your own traditions are so important. Our thoughts and prayers are with you this holiday season and if all else fails you can join us for Christmas :)
Jay
My tip: Good luck.
I think this year we're doing Thanksgiving with my side, Christmas Eve with most of his side, Christmas morning just our little household, and trying to fit in his other side (that lives further than the rest) in there ... somewhere.
And the only reason I have that much figured out is that my side's many pieces, who all have SOs and trips planned and such, all seemed to have made plans for Christmas, and actually be available at Thanksgiving. So I just went with the flow and planned around that.
It's not usually that easy ...
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