Thursday night

Things had gotten worse Wednesday evening, soon after ending a reassuring phone call with my mom. We had a "wait and see" attitude, which is about the best you can do with inconclusive evidence at 10pm at night. But 4am Thursday morning, evidence with much more conclusive. I called in sick to work and explained why I wouldn't be there. Before Kevin left for work, it was possible that I was still having "normal" spotting. Soon after he left, "normal" was no longer a fair description. And I knew. I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore.

An ultrasound at the midwives' office confirmed my miscarriage. They explained that my pregnancy probably ended about 7-8 weeks into the process. The midwife, Nicole, sat with me as I cried, answered my questions, and gave me some prescriptions for pain medicine. It felt so good to hear all the things my brain already knew: it wasn't my fault, these things happen quite frequently, there was no way to prevent it, the majority of women go onto have wonderful pregnancies and babies after a miscarriage. Nicole sat with me for a long time, and it was comforting. Because I was bleeding on my own, I didn't want to schedule any procedures. I was fine to be at home with my family.

The phone calls in the parking lot brought on more tears. Kevin, Mom, Cindy, David. Kevin called his folks and sister. Everybody was great. So kind. So supportive. So sorry. I interrupted Mom's class with this news. She dropped everything and drove up to be with us. Her co-workers took over her classes, and Craig managed the very last day of ski bus. Kevin was opening a show this weekend, and he did an amazing job taking care of the theater and finishing a beautiful set. I was so proud him.

I was starting to have some pain. Time for pain medicine. At home, I put away all the wonderful books and cards from family. I cried again putting away the picture frame I'd give Kevin to announce our pregnancy. I told myself, as Kevin and I continue to tell each other, it's just a matter of later. They aren't gone, simply postponed. But it felt better to have them set aside and not staring at them, morosely. I sat on the couch, petted my dogs, and waited for Mom and Kevin to arrive.

Mom showed up with flowers and chocolate. She also showed up without pants, having packed a little too quickly for her own good. Lots of hugs, lots of tears. Dana popped in after her office closed and sat with us for over an hour. Her presence was so loving and comforting, and it was great to have another woman there to talk with. And we could also talk about other stuff, and take a break from crying. Just like her mom (and my mom) she kept offering to feed me.

After Dana left, Kevin soon arrived. I was set for a calm evening where we could all take care of each other. That plan got shot to hell as my pain quickly became uncontrollable. Beyond cramps. All I could do was lay on the bed with my eyes closed and moan. Not even cry. Just whimper. Desperate, I called my floor looking for anybody who could call in a stronger prescription. Another midwife took care of me, and I'm pretty certain she called my midwife with an update. I tried Vidocen. I tried a hot bath. Didn't even touch it. After two hours of making my family frantic with worry, I gave in. "I need to go to the ER."

My initial thought was I'd go up to my floor if it wasn't busy, get some pain medicine and go home. That is not what happened. L&D was too busy to take me, but they were quite helpful. They called Joan, my midwife, to let her know I was coming in. She called Dr. Sarner, their back-up doctor, and she was coming in. Joan discussed a D&C. Kevin asked me what I wanted to do. Unable to speak coherently, much less make competently decisions, I asked the midwife what she recommended. She recommended the D&C.

It seemed like forever, but I only waited about 10-15 minutes in the ER. Horrible, because I was still in tons of pain and had no dignity about it. I did not suffer silently in the ER. I was the noisy one in the wheelchair while everybody else watched TV and read magazines. But soon after I was called back, the Vicoden made a dent and I could answer the questions. Dr. Sarner arrived, and choices were made. I must have asked four times who was on for anesthesia. To my relief, it was Dr. Ramusack, who I really like.

And everybody was great. All the nurses and team members in the ER and OR treated me great. The procedure was fast. Dr. Sarner was right, it took longer to get ready than it did to do the D&C. Things could not have gone any better. Kevin says I was chatty in recovery. Because I was the only patient, the recovery nurses kindly let Mom and Kevin join me. After one hour of more pain medicine (not that I needed it, but I wanted it), I walked, peed, kept my vital signs stable, and I went home. The whole field trip lasted about 2.5 hours. I was so happy not to be in pain anymore. I didn't want surgery, but I'm very glad that I had it instead of going home once the pain faded. I was so scared that it'd peak again at 2am, leaving me with the same ending. Much better to end the story at 9pm.

Kevin took me home, tucked me into bed, and I slept so great.