What the Bleep do we Know

I had an epiphany, a catalyst for change the other day.

August has been a rough month. Until last Thursday night, I didn't even realize how low my mood had been. My heart was knotted, my thoughts were prickly. Work simply annoyed me. My husband was tolerable at best. At worst will not be recorded for prosperity. But it wasn't flattering. I was held captive by a dark fog which was deceptively heavy on my soul.

I've been trying to get pregnant. Sounds like fun, lots of free "practice." I know loads of people do it accidentally every day. How challenging can it be to do on purpose?

Very.

Did you know that for healthy, 30 years old or less couples, the odds of getting pregnant in a single month are only 10-15 percent? Do you know how annoying that is for a control freak like myself, a person who thrives on plans and schedules? Do you know how having sex on a schedule can destroy any hope of romance on a given evening?

I assume that if something is going to go wrong, it will go wrong with me. That the very worst will happen to me. That the easy path doesn't come to me. So I've been surrounded by these fears, this panic of a situation that is out of my hands. I can't manage it. I can't control it. And I damned well wasn't able to "relax and enjoy" it.

And what can interfere with ovulation and conception? Stress. Fucking catch-22, ain't it.

I was a day late this month. So hopeful, cautiously hopeful. Still thinking that the bricks would fall, believing my umbrella of doubt would protect me from disappointment. One day later, I cried. Lots of crying. Hating my lack of control, hating myself for the inability to cope and go with the flow. Kevin hugged me, assured me we'd be fine, reminded me that we'd only been trying for 2-3 months. As I sobbed, I told him I couldn't bear being unhappy all the time.

Thank God for girlfriends. Lena, Alicia, Raissa, and I met at NPCC that evening. They were all appropriately sympathetic yet realistic. And as we giggled and gossiped, I had 2 glasses of wine and stayed out late. Might as well enjoy the benefits of not having kids...

The next day Kevin and I watched a movie, What the Bleep do We Know. A small little film from Portland about metaphysics. I can't even begin to describe the plot more than that. The website is more succinct than I can be, so read about it there. But it was brilliant. And it helped push me over the edge in a way that cheery pep-talks never could. And I was done with being stressed every day, worrying about getting pregnant, worrying that my plan would fall apart. No more plan, no more schedule, no more knots in my heart. Just hope and faith that it'll happen eventually.

And lots of practice, naturally. God helps those who help themselves.